Ever get super annoyed about a date’s habit of eating loudly, or feel uncomfortable because they have a super hot ex?  It can be oh so easy to extrapolate small things into relationship-stopping catastrophes even when other aspects of the situation are great.  When your list of deal breaking items gets longer than five, the Saboteur is lurking in your psyche and things are about to get messy.

ninja_heartThis archetypal dating guide has a reputation as ‘the Ninja’ because it has a way of being subtle and lethal before you know what hit you.  I’m referring to the archetype of the Saboteur which is often cloaked in some pretty typical dating behavior.

The Saboteur shows up when we feel vulnerable and acts as a defense for a wounded part of ourselves (often the Victim).   The reasoning of the Saboteur in dating is that if we can beat a potential wound to the punch then we’ll suffer less.  Simple, no? Simple but deadly to any possible relationship with another human being. Ever.

We’ve all probably been on one side or the other of the Saboteur’s razor sharp blade and it hurts either way.   Truth is, we can’t mitigate our way out of pain or loss but we can be strong enough to hold our vulnerability and make choices with both wisdom and heart.

It is possible to level up our wisdom  by being mindful and recognizing what we are really up to before making choices.  Recognizing key patterns as archetypes is a good way to get a hand hold on our own internal machinations. If you can spot the sneaky, weirdly well intentioned Saboteur at work you can then review the situation in a different light.

In the words of the urban poet and rap star, Ice Cube:

You better check yo self before you wreck yo self
Cos I’m bad for your health, I come real stealth
~Ice Cube

Knowledge is power, so here is a primer on the Saboteur in relationships:

The Two Sides of the Saboteur

Unempowered  Saboteur Archetype

AKA The Critic, The Cynic  Keywords:  Reactionary, Fear, Exaggeration, Over-thinking, Cynicism   This is the part of us that is consciously or unconsciously ready to sabotage when we feel uncomfortable or get scared.  It’s a pattern of over-thinking a situation and/or making extreme judgements as a defense.

The unempowered Saboteur’s voice:
“They do (insert action here) and boom! I’m outta here.”
“I just can’t date a man/woman who (insert annoying thing here).”
“He/she is really great – I wonder what is wrong with them?”

The Saboteur is the chief in charge of trying to figure everything out right away, laying emotional land mines or generally mucking up the works.  At it’s worst, the Saboteur is like a pernicious detective drawing all kinds of scary conclusions until we are too confused to know what’s what.  Like the Magician, the unempowered Saboteur is a master of creating illusion.


Empowered Saboteur Archetype
Keywords:  Listening, Wisdom, Clarity, Faith, Trust     This is one of those patterns that the upside is being able to spot when the unempowered side is at play and take a breath to check-in with ourselves.  It’s the part of us that says “relax, breathe, be open to the truth before you decide”.   The empowered Saboteur’s motto is “Check it before you wreck it”.  The empowered Saboteur as a representative of clear thinking can help you understand if doubts and worries are legitimate or just a function of fear. Also like a Magician the empowered Saboteur knows how the tricks work and can see what is an illusion before taking action.

“Old defenses block new success.  Every defense is really a fear that forces you to play small, live in lack, and limit what is really possible. In truth, no defense can make you strong, no defense can win you freedom, and no defense can show you your true power.”  ~Robert Holden, Ph.D.

4 ways to recognize and work with the Saboteur:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
~Viktor E. Frankl

Trigger Not So Happy

We often have specific triggers that will set the Saboteur off so it’s good to be conscious of them so we can see them coming before anyone gets hurt. I found this article lays out some ways to find and work with these emotional triggers: 5 Steps to Owning Your Emotional Triggers

Phone a Friend

If you are having an “I’m about to wreck it.” moment, call a friend and ask them to hear you out before you do anything rash.  Often times we just need someone to listen and witness that we are scared and having a moment of uncomfortable vulnerability. You might even notice that you are trying to sway them to your thinking – another sign that the Saboteur is on the loose.

Speaking with a trusted friend, coach or therapist is often the way to get the Saboteur to put down the sword and so you can hone in on what you really want.  You might even be right about your next action but if you make your choice out of wisdom and not fear you will treat everyone humanely and feel a whole lot better about your choice.

The Price of Admission

If looking for perfection is your own Saboteur style, recognize that imperfection is at the heart of what makes us loveable.  We want to be loved and accepted as whole people – flaws and all.  Perfection as manufactured by the marketing department in our heads is a complete deception that kills off any hope of being in a real relationship.  This talk by Dan Savage on what he calls “The Price of Admission” sums up how acceptance of our flaws and those of our partners is key to any healthy and lasting relationship. Warning: the video contains potentially offensive language and laughter.

Over-thinking A Square

  If you find yourself thinking non-stop and obsessing about a situation from every angle, the Sabotuer has snuck in and amped your brain to the point that nothing can be perceived honestly.  It’s time to get out of your head and into your body.  Go for a run, go dancing, take a bike ride or a walk – the more strenuous the better.  You won’t stop thinking completely of course, but you will switch gears and hopefully give the non-stop-thought-train a rest for a while.  If you can’t get away for some exercise, the simple act of putting your hand on your chest and taking 3 deep, slow breaths will calm you and slow down the rapid fire thinking. Repeat as necessary.

“Intellect confuses intuition.” ~Piet Mondrian

Here is a sweet video that represents both aspects of the Saboteur.